My Life as a Middle Aged Jagged NSA Agent
by Lady Manson
Summary: A tough Mission, an annoying colonel a pain in the butt and Sam Fisher in a ventilation shaft...
1. Default Chapter

I do not own Splinter Cell or any of it's characters… Ubisoft and Tom Clancy does… with that said… On with the show…

**My life as a Middle Aged Jagged NSA Agent**

**In a remote place in the world...**

The weather is so hot in this place; thank goodness my cheap superhero suit has temperature control. As I roll around this stupid, narrow ventilation shaft, I wonder, why didn't I become a teacher...? I could have had a quiet job in a University or something, but NO... Sam Fisher being a professor... Never. Stupid Fisher, very stupid. As I reach a small exit I hear the voice of Lambert in my head. I swear the Colonel sometimes scares the living hell out of me... Specially when he says "Phenomenal work...'

"You've reached your Turning point Fisher... You need to go up to the 25th floor and bring us the box in the safe... It is of extreme importance that you retrieve that package... The future of Third Echelon depends on it..." He says pretty determined.

"Yes Colonel... All I need to know is where is the Surveillance room, so I can shut off the cameras..."I say as I see a few girls in Belly Dancing clothes walking by underneath me... their belly jewels shimmering in the light. I wonder if this mission could wait a few hours.

"...Fisher?"

"Yes, Colonel?"

"Are you paying attention to my briefing?" Lambert seems mad, I think I am in for it, but don't blame me... this forced celibacy is getting the best out of me. Or away, however you like it.

"Yes Colonel, third floor... Surveillance, Motion sensors in the cameras about 20 guards in the 2nd floor only..."I don't know if that's what he said, but I surely hope it is.

"Well done Fisher... I leave you to Grim now... she has some important information for you..." Ah, not the girl that opens her mouth and makes me feel like I am standing by my grave. She thinks I am old... one of these days I will show her what old can do.

"Sam... it's Grim... I uploaded a map of the building to your OPSAT and possible points of Security glitches... Try not to loose your dentures in there..." She says with a nasty chuckle.

"Ha ha... Very Funny, Go check if you need a diaper change..." I say as I climb down the ventilation shaft and walk silently to behind a column that seems pretty dark to this time of the night.

"Ouch... Harsh, Take care Sam... Over and Out..."I am finally left with some peace and quiet, sometimes I like rather to hear the nonsense ramblings of the terrorists than to listen to Grim and Lambert on my head. I take a quick look around the hotel's entrance, this is a service area hallway, there is only one way out. I carefully check there not to be any one of my buddies the AK 47s. It seems the coast is clear. I crawl out of my little corner and on to the next door at the end of the hall, there is a light switch right above me. I turn it off and use my camera to see if there is someone in the other side. There seems to be nobody, maybe the Belly dancers are performing... and I am missing it, DAMN IT! Get a grip Fisher. I go out of the hallway and down the hall to my right is the elevator, which has a security camera right above it. I take out my pistol and take my lucky shot, a security guard just lost one of his eyes. I make my way to the elevator and press the button, but just when it opens some of my Buddies the terrorists enter the hallway.

"This is weird... Why is the light off?" One of them, a raspy voiced one says.

"Let's check out..." The second one says. I enter the elevator and invade my favorite corner, the elevator shaft.

"Let's go to the surveillance room..." They enter the elevator and I take my toll and shoot them both, nothing is going to interfere with my mission. As the elevator stops in the third floor, I take my guess and shoot the camera right out the door. Checking my map in the OPSAT I make sure where I am, the security office is just a few steps to my right. I look with my camera underneath the door, still considering the possibilities of using it in the Women's shower room in Third Echelon, and see that there is only one Asshole, I mean, only one respectable hard working man, snoozing in a chair before all the camera monitors. I crunch down and close the door, the guy moves around. I hope he doesn't wake up. I don't like the Crunching Fisher Hidden Ammo thing.

"Who's there...?" The guy asks... I chuckle, as if I was going to answer.

"I will find you..." The guy says walking around. I highly doubt it... I think as I put my hand in my mouth to cover it before I break into laughter. Who does he think I am, Snake?

"It must have been nothing..." The guy says as he sits down again. I start my slow motion towards him and when I am right behind him I grab him by the neck and squeeze him a bit.

"Tell me what I need to know..." I say as I pull him to the dark corner where I was hiding.

"Who... Are-you?" He asks...

"Nobody... how do I turn off the surveillance system...?" I ask as he moves a little desperately and I squeeze him a little harder.

"Arggg... You need to... restart it... it just gives a window of twenty minutes if you are heading for the vault in the penthouse it has an alternate security system, independent from the Hotel... If you are in the room when the Security system finishes starting, you only have to worry about the security system of the Vault..." He said as he gasps for air.

"Is that it...?"

"I... SWEAR... please don't kill me... I will not tell you are here..." I hate them when they beg; I hit the guy with the butt of my gun. That will give me an hour or so till he wakes up and goes screaming like a school girl. I walk to the control and shut down the surveillance system and it immediately initiates restart. I mark 20 minutes on my watch. I go back to the elevator and press the button for the 26th floor. I will enter the Penthouse from the rooftop. Call me crazy but I don't want to enter thought the front door. As the elevator door opens in the rooftop I see more friends. I quickly dash towards a dark corner and shoot the light.

"WHO GOES THERE?" Seriously, how many retarded mobsters do you need as security guards? I hit the Fisher-Vision… AKA My goggles and see them walk right pass me without even noticing me. What exactly is wrong with them? I see them keep their way through the rooftop and I rappel down a pipe to the balcony of the penthouse. I look inside and nobody seems to be home yet. I walk to the sliding door and enter the place.

"Fisher… it's Grim again… - Who would have guessed? - I have important information for you…"

"What do I need?" I ask as I hear some crackling in the front door. GODDAMN IT… I dash and roll down to a desk in the corner. I hold my legs hoping that whoever it is, is in for his wallet on top of the desk or something like that.

"The combination for the safe box is inside a drawer in the office of the penthouse, there would be a desk in a corner… open the drawer and retrieve the password… Grim out…" She's great giving orders. Everyone orders me around…I see a pair of high heel shoes wandering off the office.

"Where's my wallet…?" A woman and her wallet…

"Come on Dear… forget the wallet we are running late…" Says a man. Yeah, forget the wallet…. Forget it.

"But Roger I need my wallet…" No you don't…, looking to the side I see the wallet in the floor beside my legs. Now she really doesn't need the wallet, especially when it is resting beside the legs of the spy hiding like a freaked out hamster under the desk.

"See if it is in the desk… otherwise, leave it…" The guy says. I push it with my leg to the wall and hope she sees it. The woman goes, takes her wallet and the couple leave. I get out of my hideout and see the desk's only drawer is locked. I take out my picks and pick on the lock. Opening it I find a binder, a schedule and a lot of pens. How many pens a person need? Beside it there is a post ad with the number 2322. So, that's it… I stand up and walk to my right were the safe rests and press the combination. The door opens and I see a few thousand dollars and a black box. Time for me to go puff.

"I got the box colonel…." I say as I walk to the balcony and climb up to the roof.

"Well Done Fisher… Meet Junior in the basement and leave immediately….

**Back in Third Echelon's HQ...**

I hand the Colonel the box and expect for the details on whatever it is that I need to know. In comes Grim and Junior.

"Great… it's finally here…" The Colonel says with this creepy voice that I really hate. He opens the box and pulls out something dark… Is it Illegal gun Caps? A new kind of bomb? Then he eats it… and Grim also east one and Junior does as well.

"Great Truffles…." Says Grim biting the thing.

"Truffles?" I ask quite bewildered.

"Yeah, it was the last Godiva's tray of chocolate covered truffles…." Junior says.

"So… let me get this straight…. I went to a foreign country, killed a few men, broke the security of a hotel, almost got killed… was in the risk of being denied as a US citizen…. Just because you wanted… CANDY?" I swear my head is going to blow up.

"Lighten up Fishie… Learn to live a little…" Grim says offering me a truffle. I just take it and walk out of the office….

My name is Sam Fisher… and I am looking for a job….

**(End of Transmission).**

So, that was it…. What do you think? This is my first attempt at Splinter Cell Fiction… Please review… Thanks for reading once again… Toodles.


	2. Fishers Encore

Hello…. Here's some more. I don't own Splinter Cell or Sam Fisher… wish I did… with that said… On with the Show….

**Fisher's Encore**

I still cannot believe that bullshit of the candies... I mean resources of the government and all and all was for some chocolate truffles. And yet, even though I was looking for a job, here I am once again, crawling inside a ventilation shaft, feeling how my limbs are stretched and released from the sardine can I call passage, I definitely have to love my job to allow this to happen to me, either that or I have turned a little masochist around the years. If my past mission was stupid, this one is worse... I am stuck with no gun inside a U.S. Government building. I can't indulge myself into protecting my miserable existence at the expense of someone else's. Because these are American lives... but mine is also American and yet, it's worth less than the life of a performing chimp. I cannot allow myself to speak to anyone, that includes the voices in my head... and those do not say I am going to rule the world. Sincerely... I have saved the ass of this nation so much I deserve to be president. President Sam Fisher... I like the sound of that. I crawl out of my ventilation shaft and stay in a little dark corner. Right in front of me there is a huge fan, which is off by a 30 seconds timer that goes off every 3 hours... Why? I have no idea, and I don't care either.

As I hide I see my watch, it is about 3:00 a.m. and there is not much activity in the building. As I sneak in through the fan, two security guards come around.

"Did you happen to catch the boxing match last night?" Asks one of them.

"No... I was stuck baby sitting the vault... Was it good...?" Asks the second one. I love these nonsense conversations from security guards. I wonder how many of them whisper sweet nothings to the other while nobody is looking. I crawl through the staircase that is close to my right and stay underneath the security camera. I cannot turn them off in any kind of way or the security will be in alert. It is these kinds of jobs that make me think I should have never joined the NSA. My only chance is to come across this wretched hallway and bust the electricity of the whole floor for fifteen minutes. Why that time...? Because that is the time it will take the fat-ass in security to come fix it. If I am not out of this floor in less than that, I am officially considered a traitor. That wouldn't look good in my Curriculum Vitae... would it?

As I wait in my little corner for someone to come do something about the whole Fisher hiding in a dark corner, I see the beautiful couple of security guards pass by me. I still can't believe they can't see me. They disappear in a corner and I dash to the door beside me. I enter a small hallway and turn off the light. At the end of the hall there is a door marked Master Electricity Room, High Voltage. Do not Enter. It's almost as screaming... Turn off our Power HERE. I crunch and move slowly to the room.

"Did you check in here Bob?" I hear in the hallway... GODDAMN IT! My life is an eternal deja-vu... I jump into the wall and split close to the roof.

"Not yet... Check Allan I need to take a leak..." Says Bob. I only feel my limbs stretching to unknown distances and my most priced possession literally scream for help within the cheap superhero suit. I fear for the safety of my groin... I don't get to use it often but I would enjoy doing so one of these days... I thank heavens that I have Sarah or I would never be sure if I work... I wonder if I still do.

"That's strange... why is this light off?" My friend Allan says as I look at him. I am stretching right beside the door, so as long as he doesn't look up I am fine. Not counting the unbearable pain in my nuts and that my legs are starting to shake with the strength I am using to hold myself up. Maybe Grim is right... maybe I am too old... and maybe I am delirious and the sky is painted pink and watermelons rain every Tuesday the 14th. I see the jerk off walk around the small hallway with his gun held tightly. I cannot make this one disappear or the other jerk off will come and I will need to dispatch him too and security will notice... and it will be a fucking mess.

"Allan…. What's going on?" Ah, great, now they are chatting… don't mind me, I can hold on for as long as you want.

"Bob… this light was off…." He says as the other one steps below me. As I hold on I feel my nose itches… looking to the side I see some spider web and a lot of dust. How long as it been since anyone cleaned this place? I cannot sneeze… I cannot sneeze…

"Ah, you are paranoid… maybe the janitor turned it off… come, let's get dome coffee?" Yes… damn it… get the coffee… The two jerks leave and I look at the door close. I let go of my sneeze and fall to the floor, which was the most painful thing I have ever passed through. I look at the map in my OPSAT and see that I am in the right place, if after all I've gone through I am in the wrong hallway I am going to go suicide or something. I feel the strange necessity to make sure my groin is still there. After making sure of that I walk to the room, of course I check out there is nobody in the room, which would be stupid after the whole sneeze and crash I have gone through. I enter and close the door behind me. As I look at the place I see lots of buttons and switches, and I sincerely have no idea of which one it is the one I have to press or switch to turn the power off… so I walk to them and press the buttons randomly and switch the switches as randomly as possible until the power in the area I am goes off. I smile my success and walk out, with the lights out I only need to worry about motion detectors and in the floor I am those are powered by electricity. Or so I think. I enter the hallway once again and walk slowly through it with my goggles showing me the way… I don't want to crash into a wall or something. As I walk I see flashlights around… this is really bad.

"BOB…. BOB WHERE ARE YOU…?" I separated the lovers…. I dash to the entrance I have to take which is a stairway to the 5th floor of the basement of the building.

"Bob… was that you…?" The dude opens the door as I climb down the stairs… I hope he doesn't come following me or I am doomed.

"Bob… I don't like this one single bit…." Security guards are such cowards… a little dark and they go berserk. I keep going down and look at my watch. I have a few more minutes to make it into the 5th floor.

"Allan… what are you doing…?" Now Bob found Allan, I'm happy that they are together.

"There's someone down there…" Says Allan…. Ah Damn it, why do people insist on making my job so hard….?

"Come on Allan… let's find out why the generators haven't gone up yet…" I hear the door close and carefully dash into a ventilation shaft. Call me crazy but I am not going to parade through the building when everyone has a gun but me. I slowly crawl inside the ventilation shaft, following the map on my OPSAT, I am a few squared feet away from the office I have to raid. I arrive to the small opening in the ventilation shaft and look down, there is nobody in the office, in the desk a computer with a half finished report and a slice of a huge German Chocolate cake and a mug filled with something that to me in this point smells like Mocha and Vanilla. I slowly climb down the shaft and look around; My OPSAT indicates that the whole electricity system is up and running once again. I hack the security system so I can hear what they are saying.

"This is Awkward…. Someone check Zones one and four right now…" I hear….

"FISHER… FISHER, where the hell are you….?" I hear Lambert on my head.

"I can't find you in the GPS Fishie…" I hear grim and I feel some noises in the door, quickly dashing for underneath the desk and I grab the coffee and the cake.

"Fisher… are you there? We have an emergency…." I munch quietly on the cake and drink on the delicious coffee with no comments… Ah, I forgot to mention something very important… the reason why I can't kill people in this mission is…

"Where the hell is my Coffee and my imported German Cake…?" I am in Third Echelon's HQ. I see Lambert's feet from under the desk as I keep munching in the cake.

"Fisher?" He looks at me with his almost gorilla like brows raised. I smile and eat the last of the cake.

"Hello Lambert…."

"Irwin, did you find…- Grim looks at me as if she has seen a ghost.- Sam?" I place the plate in the desk and smile.

"Don't you ever make me risk my life for candy. Today it was the cake next time I will eat your chocolate mints….- I look at Lambert who gasps, then I walk to Grim.- And you… Girl…Don't call me Fishie again or I will show you how big the fish is and for how long it can swim…" As I walk outside I hear her gasp.That's going to leave that pesky little girl with some images on her head. I love mentally scarring her.

"Fisher… Fisher come back here…. SON OF A BITCH…- I hear a fist in the desk.- MY cake…..! FISHER THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN…" I turn around and look at him.

"Lambert, you have to hide all sweets from the Fisher… The mission's over…" I turn around once again…

My name is Sam Fisher… I am a Splinter Cell… and I love cake…And revenge

End of Transmission…..

Well, for those that wanted an encore… I say encore because this was supposed to be a short one chapter story… here you go, I hope you liked it and please review. For those that thought Fisher was OOC, I was basing him in the Sam Fisher from the Bestselling novel Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell… and for those that liked my fiction… I am pretty sure I will try my hand in more splinter cell fics in the future…. Toodles…-Manson Smiles and waves-.


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